difficult days...

yesterday i was out shopping for a friend who is "due" any day now. however, i didn't expect to encounter all the "feelings" of loss that bombarded me.

first of all, as i began looking at newborn baby items i suddenly came face to face with the real possibility that we may never have a newborn baby of our own. i may never look into the face of my child and see traits of jarod. i may never be able to say our child has jarod's smile or my eyes. we may never recognize ourselves in our child.

and though that's not necessarily a bad thing my pain hit a crescendo when i realized that i am being denied the privilege of caring for my child - even now. and the thought of my child, my child being without the love of her mother, without the care of her father... my child being without all the things she deserves, it was too much.

when i speak of my child being without, i'm not making a reference to 'things' but to family. it breaks my heart that my child, the one that resides so firmly in my heart would be without... i would never for a single second want my child to feel the loneliness of abandonment, the pain of despair. i would not for a day longer want my child to be in an orphanage. not one day, not ever. not my child.

if in fact i gave birth to a child, would it not break my heart for that child to spend even an hour in an institution? why then should it not break my heart that my child is currently living in one!?!

i remember so clearly the pain of CHRISTmas '07. i remember thinking of how horrible it was that we didn't have our child in our arms. i remember (selfishly) thinking that this will be our last CHRISTmas with just the 2 of us. i remember looking forward to '08 and how we just knew (ha) it would be the year of parenthood. i remember thinking that i needed to enjoy all the remaining moments of having jarod all to myself.

this year, my thoughts were so different. my thoughts weren't so much about me, but about her. this CHRISTmas is my little one warm? is she being fed well? is she receiving enough nourishment? is she being held, played with, loved on? how much longer will she be without the love of her family? and of course, i remember thinking, hoping '09 would bring the gift of a family to her.

as for myself, i put a 2009 calendar under our tree... time passing was gift enough for me. but oh how it hurt that i couldn't provide for her.

and so yesterday's shopping venture was where the reality of our infertility, and the pain of waiting for our lil' red butterfly as she waits for us collided.

now i more fully understand the pain of being a mother. and for the first time, i realized yesterday that i really do have a mommy's heart. i think i'll be an ok candidate for the job that awaits.

2009 - the year of hope!

this is the year our long prayed for child (according to all estimates) will be added to our family...
to that i say, "BRING HER ON!!!"

lil' red butterfly,
mommy & daddy rejoice in every second that passes, as we are drawn closer to you!
love you, always.