april down, may & june to go...

well, the good news has been confirmed...
some people with our adoption agency who had a log in date (lid) of april 25th have received their referral!!!
after many months of silence this certainly is exciting news!

what does that mean for us?
well... we're still not exactly sure.
a year ago, ccaa would give an entire month's worth of referrals every month. for instance, if they gave out referrals for everyone logged in for april this month, then next month everyone with a log in date of may would receive their referrals... and then we would receive our referral in the following batch.
however, things haven't worked out that easily for a long time now so i'm trying not to be unrealistically optimistic ;).

we understand that there was a huge batch of april log in dates. we're still not sure if everyone with an april log in date received their referrals or not. however, we are guesstimating that may is relatively small since most everyone was pushing to get in prior to the may 1st deadline (ie. new rules). if that is the case, then maybe we could be back on target for receiving our little one before our return.

if, we get a referral as late as july we will post-pone our departure to the states until after we pick up our little one.

however, if we don't, then we'll return as planned and come back for her at a later time... meaning: as soon as they allow us to!

as always, we're hoping that we receive her sooner rather than later...

please join us in praying for a speedy union!

carnival ride line...

do you remember the torturous wait for your favorite ride at the carnival? i certainly remember some of my most painful waits. i think most of them occurred while waiting for XLR8 at Astroworld. XLR8 was one of those rides that certainly wasn't boring but it wasn't too scary either - so just about everyone loved it! it was the fun ride!

i distinctly remember feeling as if i was never going to get to the front of the line, that i'd have a heat stroke before planting my bottom in that hang-your-legs-off-the-crazy-chair ride? and then suddenly, i'd find myself in the short line to my favorite seat! and even before it was my turn, my stomach was already doing somersaults! do you remember having these kinds of feelings?

well, that's how i feel right now! i am the person in the short line, not yet at the front, but close enough to see the excitement on the faces of the people who'd be next, and close enough to feel the adrenaline myself!

i just saw on the internet that at least one expedited referral went out for someone with a lid (log in date) 4.17.07!

a quick reminder: our lid is 6.20.07. could it be that in the next 4 or 5 months we could be the ones with a referral in our hands, riding the wave of joy?

butterflies in my stomach! oh, what a perfect analogy! :)

6 - 12 months more...

as a prospective mommy i scour the internet for all kinds of clues of when our lil' red butterfly might actually find her way into our family. and unlike a typical pregnancy, adoption projections can be a bit less predictable.

hence the original 10 - 12 month wait estimations being blown to pieces as we are now coming up fast on month 21.

the other week during one of my research times i came across a "rumor" that suggested those of us who live in country should consider tacking on another 6 - 12 months to our already obnoxious wait... & then maybe, just maybe, our number (or month) will be up.

at first i scoffed. but soon enough i realized this slow boat can't get any slower... so i dug my heels in - for the long haul.

recently i received an email from our agency. it said our projected "worst case scenario" would be october.

you got it - that falls into the 6 - 12 months more prediction.


*in order to save us all some serious heartache i will not at this time relay all the other "worst case scenario" predictions we have been told... and which in the realm of time have already passed.

the stillness and the silence...

this makes month 5 of no new referrals for expats adopting in country.
we are currently on the 20th month of waiting...
i've heard that we would be wise to expect our referral in 6-12 months from now.
i haven't heard anything confirming/denying this rumor...
please don't kill the messenger.

difficult days...

yesterday i was out shopping for a friend who is "due" any day now. however, i didn't expect to encounter all the "feelings" of loss that bombarded me.

first of all, as i began looking at newborn baby items i suddenly came face to face with the real possibility that we may never have a newborn baby of our own. i may never look into the face of my child and see traits of jarod. i may never be able to say our child has jarod's smile or my eyes. we may never recognize ourselves in our child.

and though that's not necessarily a bad thing my pain hit a crescendo when i realized that i am being denied the privilege of caring for my child - even now. and the thought of my child, my child being without the love of her mother, without the care of her father... my child being without all the things she deserves, it was too much.

when i speak of my child being without, i'm not making a reference to 'things' but to family. it breaks my heart that my child, the one that resides so firmly in my heart would be without... i would never for a single second want my child to feel the loneliness of abandonment, the pain of despair. i would not for a day longer want my child to be in an orphanage. not one day, not ever. not my child.

if in fact i gave birth to a child, would it not break my heart for that child to spend even an hour in an institution? why then should it not break my heart that my child is currently living in one!?!

i remember so clearly the pain of CHRISTmas '07. i remember thinking of how horrible it was that we didn't have our child in our arms. i remember (selfishly) thinking that this will be our last CHRISTmas with just the 2 of us. i remember looking forward to '08 and how we just knew (ha) it would be the year of parenthood. i remember thinking that i needed to enjoy all the remaining moments of having jarod all to myself.

this year, my thoughts were so different. my thoughts weren't so much about me, but about her. this CHRISTmas is my little one warm? is she being fed well? is she receiving enough nourishment? is she being held, played with, loved on? how much longer will she be without the love of her family? and of course, i remember thinking, hoping '09 would bring the gift of a family to her.

as for myself, i put a 2009 calendar under our tree... time passing was gift enough for me. but oh how it hurt that i couldn't provide for her.

and so yesterday's shopping venture was where the reality of our infertility, and the pain of waiting for our lil' red butterfly as she waits for us collided.

now i more fully understand the pain of being a mother. and for the first time, i realized yesterday that i really do have a mommy's heart. i think i'll be an ok candidate for the job that awaits.

2009 - the year of hope!

this is the year our long prayed for child (according to all estimates) will be added to our family...
to that i say, "BRING HER ON!!!"

lil' red butterfly,
mommy & daddy rejoice in every second that passes, as we are drawn closer to you!
love you, always.

excited!

as i look toward 2009, i can't help but get excited.

for so long (the whole of 2008) i've had to calm my anxious heart... in an attempt to not get too excited so that i don't become too disappointed.

2008 began with a cautious hope of having our daughter by june - my 31st birthday.
that quickly dissolved into a holding out for september, post-olympic fever.
which all too painfully became a realization that we wouldn't have our baby home for CHRISTmas...
and became more of a very un-fun game of waiting out 2008.

last night as daddy & i lay in bed daydreaming - we like to do that from time to time - daddy brought up the possibility of having you join us this spring. now wouldn't that be just awesome? to have our hope/tree of life sprout at such a joyous time!?!

i've worked so hard at wrapping my heart up in layers of protection (much like bubble wrap, easily popped, minus the fun)... holding out for may or june.

these thoughts have held me captivated.
receiving you in may brings to mind great anticipation as that could be my 1st mommy's day with you in my arms... or celebrating our 10 year anniversary with you - a product of our hearts!
june is good too as i can't think of a better gift for daddy on his 1st daddy's day! june would also be the 2 year mark of waiting, waiting, waiting for you, which also happens to coincide with my birthday. could there be a better BIRTHday gift than that of you being BIRTHed into our family!?!

with such wonderful thoughts, i had a very hard time falling asleep last night!!!

in reality, i'm still very cautiously optimistic towards the possibility of a sooner-rather-than-later time frame to our lil' one...

even so, i am one excited mommy-to-be!