thoughts as we wait...等候的思想

ultimate ultrasound!

2009-08-25T11:33:00.001+08:00

today we got the best surprise of our lives! we got a special stork call… and funny thing is, we didn’t even see it coming!

so i won’t delay… ’cause what you really want is to see HIS beautiful picture!

as you can see, he’s absolutely perfect!

we are so thankful to our God who hears and ANSWERS our prayers… and for this picture, the ultimate ultrasound!

proud parents jarod and jennifer (aka. daddy and mommy)

got nothin'...

2009-07-31T02:54:00.002+08:00

howdy followers.

we're so thankful for every single one... ok, for the one of you who follow this blog in anticipation of great news.
i'm trusting that it will happen in due time...
but apparently we're still not due!

last we heard our file was banging on the matching room door.
still don't know if it made it in or not.

so for now, we're just a waitin'.
and as usual, we'll let you know when we know!

until then, please say a little prayer for our lil' one...
we know they're making it through!

continuing to trust that it's all in his perfect timing...

waiting room...

2009-07-15T20:36:00.003+08:00

today we got an email that said we have not yet made it to the "matching room."

the matching room is that special place where our picture and info is matched up with our soon-to-be-child. in essence, we are in the waiting room...

waiting to be matched.

we are so grateful for the Master Matcher for he knows in advance who are child will be... and when we will be matched by CCAA!

pray for a speedy transfer and that we'll soon experience the joy of welcoming our child into our family!

and just think... all of that joy without labor pains! i'm sure jet lag doesn't compare!

;)

2 years, again...

2009-06-20T09:29:00.001+08:00

today, june 20, 2009 marks the 2 year anniversary since we were officially logged into the china adoption program.

and even though there hasn't been a lot for us to do during this time, i feel like i have accomplished the impossible by waiting so well!

ok, so i haven't always waited well... but i am still waiting!

i am excited to report that as of today people are receiving referrals... and supposedly this batch contains some expedited referrals (people who are in a shorter line due to heritage or living on the east side).

the nitty gritty: currently there are reports that the china adoption program agents have matched some expedited cases (thus far i've only heard of heritage matches)... so it looks like it still might be a while before we are holding our child's picture and jumping up and down with joy. however, we rejoice that the line is moving...
also, our agency recently sent an email saying that they were told that we would be moved to the "matching room" with the next batch of files... but even still, there is no way to say WHEN we would be matched.

so we continue to wait.

thank you all for your loving care during these past 2 years... and for praying with & for us during this long journey.

2 years...

2009-06-12T10:21:00.003+08:00

today (june 11th) is 2 years of officially waiting. it was 2 years ago that we handed all of our paperwork over to ccaa to apply for adoption through china. our wait began with waiting to hear when they received our dossier (fancy word for 6 months worth of paperwork and jumping through hoops.)

in the eyes of ccaa our wait officially began on june 20, 2007 when they "logged" us in.

even so, i count those 9 days 'cause each day of waiting was just as real as today!

the week leading up to now was exceptionally difficult, mainly as i was dreading the idea of facing the 2 year anniversary itself... and all that it represents.
in this life, there's always going to be something to bemoan. this adoption process certainly allows for a lot of bemoaning material.

however, today i'd like to focus on a few differences between then (june '07) and now...
in the past 2 years we have read, studied and learned a lot about institutionalized/orphaned children.
in the past 2 years we've had ample time to contemplate and discuss our 'ideas' of parenting styles/preferences.
in the past 2 years we have had to readjust our timeline and relinquish many false ideas of control...
in the past 2 years i've had surgery and have enjoyed good health for 15 months!
in the past 2 years we've experienced the joy of having life on life local friends!
in the past 2 years we've reevaluated so much about who we are and what we believe.
in the past 2 years we have grown to love fusion more than we could have ever imagined.
the past 2 years have certainly been difficult - waiting always is - but they have also been a sweet gift from Dad.
the past 2 years have been an amazing blessing...

“Kiss your life. Accept it, just as it is. Today. Now. So that those moments of happiness you're waiting for don't pass you by.”
~Unknown

30/70... and counting...

2009-05-27T20:13:00.003+08:00

i am certainly one of those people who love the phrase: "give me the facts ma'am... nothing but the facts."
i know, i know. i'm not the best at just giving the facts, but i'll try. a little.

only heard of 2 expedited referrals that went out late this month.
very unusual.
both were referrals for april.
that means we're not yet into may.
which means we still have the month of may between us & our referral.
in short, it doesn't look like we'll be returning to the states with baby in tow.

surprisingly, i'm at peace.
but still hopeful...
hence the 30% chance that we'll return with baby.

fact: i believe in miracles.

50/50... or not?

2009-05-15T13:11:00.002+08:00

when may began i would have bravely told you that the possibiity of having our child when we returned to the states was 50/50...
which considering the last 2 years, we believed was favorable odds!
however, again something unusual has happened this month.
thus far no one & i mean NO ONE - not anyone that lives here, not someone of this countries heritage, not even foreigners overseas - have received any word on referrals. this is a first.
naturally, we are saddened by this turn of events... especially as the possibility of our wait till we receive our child lengthens.
but we will wait. and we will wait prayerfully and with thanksgiving.

in our hearts we believe:
God has directed our steps to this particular adoption journey & he is in total control. and he is good.
these children are not ours to claim. they are a gift from this country. we will forever be grateful to them for our child.
God is the ultimate babysitter and he is capable of meeting all of our child's needs.
God is certainly using this prep time to make us into the parents our child deserves. and we are grateful for this opportunity to know and depend on him more intimately.

april down, may & june to go...

2009-04-17T17:42:00.003+08:00

well, the good news has been confirmed...
some people with our adoption agency who had a log in date (lid) of april 25th have received their referral!!!
after many months of silence this certainly is exciting news!

what does that mean for us?
well... we're still not exactly sure.
a year ago, ccaa would give an entire month's worth of referrals every month. for instance, if they gave out referrals for everyone logged in for april this month, then next month everyone with a log in date of may would receive their referrals... and then we would receive our referral in the following batch.
however, things haven't worked out that easily for a long time now so i'm trying not to be unrealistically optimistic ;).

we understand that there was a huge batch of april log in dates. we're still not sure if everyone with an april log in date received their referrals or not. however, we are guesstimating that may is relatively small since most everyone was pushing to get in prior to the may 1st deadline (ie. new rules). if that is the case, then maybe we could be back on target for receiving our little one before our return.

if, we get a referral as late as july we will post-pone our departure to the states until after we pick up our little one.

however, if we don't, then we'll return as planned and come back for her at a later time... meaning: as soon as they allow us to!

as always, we're hoping that we receive her sooner rather than later...

please join us in praying for a speedy union!

carnival ride line...

2009-04-08T20:43:00.003+08:00

do you remember the torturous wait for your favorite ride at the carnival? i certainly remember some of my most painful waits. i think most of them occurred while waiting for XLR8 at Astroworld. XLR8 was one of those rides that certainly wasn't boring but it wasn't too scary either - so just about everyone loved it! it was the fun ride!

i distinctly remember feeling as if i was never going to get to the front of the line, that i'd have a heat stroke before planting my bottom in that hang-your-legs-off-the-crazy-chair ride? and then suddenly, i'd find myself in the short line to my favorite seat! and even before it was my turn, my stomach was already doing somersaults! do you remember having these kinds of feelings?

well, that's how i feel right now! i am the person in the short line, not yet at the front, but close enough to see the excitement on the faces of the people who'd be next, and close enough to feel the adrenaline myself!

i just saw on the internet that at least one expedited referral went out for someone with a lid (log in date) 4.17.07!

a quick reminder: our lid is 6.20.07. could it be that in the next 4 or 5 months we could be the ones with a referral in our hands, riding the wave of joy?

butterflies in my stomach! oh, what a perfect analogy! :)

6 - 12 months more...

2009-03-14T00:48:00.002+08:00

as a prospective mommy i scour the internet for all kinds of clues of when our lil' red butterfly might actually find her way into our family. and unlike a typical pregnancy, adoption projections can be a bit less predictable.

hence the original 10 - 12 month wait estimations being blown to pieces as we are now coming up fast on month 21.

the other week during one of my research times i came across a "rumor" that suggested those of us who live in country should consider tacking on another 6 - 12 months to our already obnoxious wait... & then maybe, just maybe, our number (or month) will be up.

at first i scoffed. but soon enough i realized this slow boat can't get any slower... so i dug my heels in - for the long haul.

recently i received an email from our agency. it said our projected "worst case scenario" would be october.

you got it - that falls into the 6 - 12 months more prediction.

*in order to save us all some serious heartache i will not at this time relay all the other "worst case scenario" predictions we have been told... and which in the realm of time have already passed.

the stillness and the silence...

2009-03-01T13:41:00.004+08:00

this makes month 5 of no new referrals for expats adopting in country.
we are currently on the 20th month of waiting...
i've heard that we would be wise to expect our referral in 6-12 months from now.
i haven't heard anything confirming/denying this rumor...
please don't kill the messenger.

difficult days...

2009-01-14T09:55:00.008+08:00

yesterday i was out shopping for a friend who is "due" any day now. however, i didn't expect to encounter all the "feelings" of loss that bombarded me.

first of all, as i began looking at newborn baby items i suddenly came face to face with the real possibility that we may never have a newborn baby of our own. i may never look into the face of my child and see traits of jarod. i may never be able to say our child has jarod's smile or my eyes. we may never recognize ourselves in our child.

and though that's not necessarily a bad thing my pain hit a crescendo when i realized that i am being denied the privilege of caring for my child - even now. and the thought of my child, my child being without the love of her mother, without the care of her father... my child being without all the things she deserves, it was too much.

when i speak of my child being without, i'm not making a reference to 'things' but to family. it breaks my heart that my child, the one that resides so firmly in my heart would be without... i would never for a single second want my child to feel the loneliness of abandonment, the pain of despair. i would not for a day longer want my child to be in an orphanage. not one day, not ever. not my child.

if in fact i gave birth to a child, would it not break my heart for that child to spend even an hour in an institution? why then should it not break my heart that my child is currently living in one!?!

i remember so clearly the pain of CHRISTmas '07. i remember thinking of how horrible it was that we didn't have our child in our arms. i remember (selfishly) thinking that this will be our last CHRISTmas with just the 2 of us. i remember looking forward to '08 and how we just knew (ha) it would be the year of parenthood. i remember thinking that i needed to enjoy all the remaining moments of having jarod all to myself.

this year, my thoughts were so different. my thoughts weren't so much about me, but about her. this CHRISTmas is my little one warm? is she being fed well? is she receiving enough nourishment? is she being held, played with, loved on? how much longer will she be without the love of her family? and of course, i remember thinking, hoping '09 would bring the gift of a family to her.

as for myself, i put a 2009 calendar under our tree... time passing was gift enough for me. but oh how it hurt that i couldn't provide for her.

and so yesterday's shopping venture was where the reality of our infertility, and the pain of waiting for our lil' red butterfly as she waits for us collided.

now i more fully understand the pain of being a mother. and for the first time, i realized yesterday that i really do have a mommy's heart. i think i'll be an ok candidate for the job that awaits.

2009 - the year of hope!

2009-01-01T17:03:00.002+08:00

this is the year our long prayed for child (according to all estimates) will be added to our family...
to that i say, "BRING HER ON!!!"

lil' red butterfly,
mommy & daddy rejoice in every second that passes, as we are drawn closer to you!
love you, always.

excited!

2008-12-29T15:42:00.006+08:00

as i look toward 2009, i can't help but get excited.

for so long (the whole of 2008) i've had to calm my anxious heart... in an attempt to not get too excited so that i don't become too disappointed.

2008 began with a cautious hope of having our daughter by june - my 31st birthday.
that quickly dissolved into a holding out for september, post-olympic fever.
which all too painfully became a realization that we wouldn't have our baby home for CHRISTmas...
and became more of a very un-fun game of waiting out 2008.

last night as daddy & i lay in bed daydreaming - we like to do that from time to time - daddy brought up the possibility of having you join us this spring. now wouldn't that be just awesome? to have our hope/tree of life sprout at such a joyous time!?!

i've worked so hard at wrapping my heart up in layers of protection (much like bubble wrap, easily popped, minus the fun)... holding out for may or june.

these thoughts have held me captivated.
receiving you in may brings to mind great anticipation as that could be my 1st mommy's day with you in my arms... or celebrating our 10 year anniversary with you - a product of our hearts!
june is good too as i can't think of a better gift for daddy on his 1st daddy's day! june would also be the 2 year mark of waiting, waiting, waiting for you, which also happens to coincide with my birthday. could there be a better BIRTHday gift than that of you being BIRTHed into our family!?!

with such wonderful thoughts, i had a very hard time falling asleep last night!!!

in reality, i'm still very cautiously optimistic towards the possibility of a sooner-rather-than-later time frame to our lil' one...

even so, i am one excited mommy-to-be!

18 months...

2008-12-20T10:44:00.000+08:00

today marks the 18 month anniversary since our lid (log in date).

surely this means we're in the home stretch (relatively speaking)?

either way, i know you, my lil' red butterfly (or silver dragon) will be worth every minute of the wait!

we hope on this december day that you are warm, well fed, smiled upon, talked to, played with, and held.

please know your mommy & daddy are anxiously anticipating the day when we can meet all these needs for you... and lavish you with love!

this december is not so merry...

2008-12-11T14:53:00.000+08:00

got some hard news this week.

apparently, the "living in china expediteds" were not given referrals (assigned babies) this month. this makes the 4th month this year that we have been skipped.

where we are in the process:
we are logged in for june 20, 2007. at present april 2007 referrals are next in line...

we don't expect much in the way of referrals for january or february 2009 as there is usually little progress on this side of the ocean during new year & chinese new year.

naturally, this most recent delay takes the merry out of the season - but it does help us to keep the focus where it really belongs - on a baby named Jesus.

looking forward to celebrating his birth this CHRISTmas season while holding on to hope for our own miracle baby in 2009!

6.11.07 - 12.08.08 thoughts...

2008-12-08T18:59:00.001+08:00

december 8, 2008
as i have reflected on some of the many reasons i am thankful this season i have had an epiphany of sorts.
i always knew i wanted to be intentional in my marriage and in raising my children.
i want to be intentional to not repeat certain mistakes and intentional to incorporate certain concepts and ways of doing things into my life and the life of our family.
i recently realized that had we been granted children back when we first expected to have them, my intentionality would have been good, but not enough. through this long wait to parenthood we have both read books, had many serious conversations, been privy to watching how other people raise their children, and have more seriously considered what intentional parenting looks like. though we wish we didn't have to endure the long-suffering of waiting for our children, we're grateful for dad's grace to us and our future family because of it.

november 1, 2008
did you know that we are not totally sure if our referral will be a girl or a boy?
with approximately 90% of referrals being girls we just assume that our child will actually be a girl. but we didn't really specify that we only wanted a girl. however, we were surprised to learn that one of our friends actually received a referral for a boy after requesting only a girl. so, it is still possible that our long prayed for child will be a boy.
if that is the case, our little red butterfly will morph into a silver dragon!
...and what would we do with all those pink girly clothes lovingly bought for and given to our little one? well you see, here in the big c boys wear pink too... so we'll just have to go native on this one! ha!

october 23, 2008
thoughts about our last christmas...
looks like we'll spend our last christmas with out you
this year.
we thought that last year.
but this year we're certain will be the last...
and next year you'll be a glorious reminder of the greatest gift of all-
life!
and we'll celebrate the light who is also life with you.
that will be a splendid christmas!
until then we wait and praise God
that he's given us incredible peace
for the days we traverse without you.
we love you, little one.

july 2008:
recently this song came to my mind and i found myself daydreaming of you again...
"there she goes" - sixpense none the richer
there she goes
there she goes again
racing through my brain
and i just can't contain
this feeling that remains
there she goes
there she goes again
pulsing through my veins
and i just can't contain
this feeling that remains
there she goes
there she goes again
racing through my brain
and i just can't contain
this feeling that remains
there she goes
there she goes again
she calls my name,
pulls my train
no one else could heal my pain
i just can't contain
this feeling that remains
there she goes
there she goes again
chasing down my lane
and i just can't contain
this feeling that remains
there she goes
there she goes
there she goes

june 19, 2008:
a year ago
a year ago today ccaa logged us into their system.
translation: a year ago today our wait for you "officially" began in the eyes of china.
a year ago today we were told we would be holding you in our arms by now.
reality: we hope to hold you in our arms by year end 2008.
a year ago today i did a little dance... and it wasn't pretty, but it got my point across. i was happy!
now: i've replaced my funky little dance with a chance to sway with daddy and dream of you while doing so.
a year ago today i told anyone who would listen, "we're gonna have a baby!"
today: our house is filled with baby stuff 'cause everybody knows "we're gonna have a baby!"
a year ago today and every day i hold to this: every day that passes is one day closer to you...

april 9, 2008:
we are so excited to report that some of our east side friends recently received their referral for their little girl. their official wait was 15 months. please be in prayer with us that the wait would not increase (many speculate the olympics might grind everything to a halt). we are eager to have, hold, comfort, and love on our lil' red butterfly!

december 31, 2007:
nothing new to report other than... we're thankful for the prep time dad is giving us before hiring us for the most important job we'll ever have: parenthood!
well, there you have it! my positive spin on the agonizing wait to our little girl... or girls!
glass 1/2 full... glass 1/2 full... glass 1/2 full...

our thoughts during 2007:
two steps forward. one step back:
east side friends who have been waiting for their baby for 12 months recently asked our adoption agency about the increased wait time for expedited cases and was told that the wait time could be as long as 18 MONTHS... as you can imagine, this news seems devastating to us as we had originally considered waiting 15 months to be the "worst case scenario" for receiving our little girl. please join us in prayer for expediency, and of course, for joy and patience as we wait on dad's perfect timing.

prior to the surprise baby shower (august 28, 2007) and the west side e-baby shower (september 8, 2007), i found myself in a "lull" - aka: the wait. understandably, the "lull" is a difficult time for most expectant parents as the days of preparing for baby (either by submitting paperwork or decorating the nursery) have come to an end and there's seemingly nothing left to do to bring your baby closer to you. but there is joy and hope... dad's word says: "hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." proverbs 13:12 it is because of these words that we decided to change our children's nickname form squirt (an affectionate name from finding nemo) to sprout...

here's some articles obout adoption i would like to pass along:

research articles on adoption in china:
http://research-china.blogspot.com/
or if you are simply interested in china adoption:
http://www.myadoptionwebsite.com/chinaadoptionstories.com
also waiting? check out this put-it-all-in-perspective article:
http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1246

our expected wait (for expedited adoption) is between 10-12 months from the log in date. <<>> obviously, we're praying for sooner, rather than later! we're expected her to be born any day now and though we don't know who she is or where she is living, one thing is for sure, she's growing in our hearts...

please pray with us now for a quick and smooth union.